So I’m writing this to just put it out there that the last few months, I’ve be beating myself to death with the doubt and worry that I was not good enough to design a show like this. At my university, I am part of a club called MTG, or Musical Theater Guild. This club is a part of the reason that I chose to study and be apart of theater in the first place. I am a Props carpenter and designer, but last semester I was asked to design Rent for two of my very dear friends. See I’m the type of person that when a friend asks me a favor, I will work myself to the bone for them, not thinking of any reward from them. I gladly and humbly accepted and set to work straight away. Tossing and turning, night after night, my mind would not function. I could not see what I wanted this show to look like, and I feared the disappointment on my friends faces of my failure. One evening, after hours of playing the shows album for the 1000th time, drained from the long and hard day I had, my mind started racing. I grabbed the back of an old research paper and a sharpie marker, my hand began to effortlessly move and sketch on its own. I found out from my professor that this is called a coffee shop napkin moment. What came from this was the rough sketch of Rent. I saw platforms the rose up to meet a set of stairs that connected to a spiral staircase going back down. The spiral served also as the Christmas tree, all of this was backed by a graffiti wall that had the words “Pray for Pills” stenciled on. Problems arose at school that forced me to leave. I trusted my design to my friends to do as they pleased since I felt that I failed to be there with them in this daunting endeavor. Months passed and I heard nothing. I grew fearful that my screw up cost them the show and forced them to scrap my design. Finally the day comes to build, unfortunately I was unable to go. I was able to get pictures, though not the best of quality, I could still see that my baby was there. Time passes and its show time. I’m flustered and nervous, my heart has been racing from since a few days before that a special lady friend sounded that she really wanted to see me come show time. I walk into the theater, and I begin to weep. Doubt, shame, loathing, self-hate, depression, all flew out of me as this joy and peace covered my with the forms of the arms of all the friends I thought hated me. I saw my friends perform on my stage better then I have ever seen them do on others. I cried beginning to end from emotions and joy. From adorkable Hanukkah sweaters, to the final documentary. Every moment was perfect. That was Rent, no other comes close.
I feel out of it tonight. The pure essence of happiness that I had yesterday is all gone. Her beautiful face that I’ve waited to see for so long is all I have in my mind, but the warmth of her arms lingers no more on my skin. Last night was perfection including all that went wrong. I can’t remember her songs, the voice that I longed to hear. I’ve grown a patience that I didn’t think I could have. Past flames that burned out because of its absence. I know nothing has truly changed for her. She knows nothing of my affliction, of the scars inside that I hide. Will she accept them with open arms and forgiving love, or cast me aside like the beast I am. Can this Belle allow this beast lower his guard? Will I continue to cry and howl at the moon hoping my echos would end? Let me don my masquerade mask again showing only a painted smile and bright melancholy eyes.