try to wake up happy. drink water. take long showers until your skin gets wrinkled. wear cute underwear. look at old pictures to see how much you’ve grown. grow your hair out. cut your hair off. find a perfume that smells how summer feels. if scales are your enemy, get rid of them. make your body strong, not perfect. challenge yourself to say three nice things about yourself each day. don’t compare yourself to others—they are not you. they will never be you. get rid of magazines that make you feel bad.
learn to love spending time with yourself. take yourself out to dinner. take yourself to the movies. take yourself to a museum and look at the pieces without having to stick to anyone’s schedule but your own. wear clothes you love. wear colors. smile at strangers. they will smile back. make small talk. don’t worry if people think you’re weird for asking the cashier how their day is going. give compliments. learn how to accept a compliment. organize your closet. get rid of clothes that remind you of negative points in your life. get rid of things that remind you of negative people in your life.
walk more. read more. sit outside more. feel the sun on your shoulders more. take pictures. you have a beautiful life. you have a beautiful soul. document it. make sure you are in the pictures. sing in public. realize that you see hundreds of faces every day and of those faces, approximately none of them will remember that you tripped walking up the stairs this morning. forgive yourself. even confident people get embarrassed. everyone gets embarrassed.
remember that no one ever knows exactly who they are. it is okay to feel lost. it is okay to feel confused. it is not okay to berate yourself for feeling that way.
love yourself. love others.
happy new year!!
sleepy new year. grumpy new year. bashful new year. sneezy new year. dopey new year. doc new year.
today I saw a preteen girl pick up Mean Girls at Target and ask her friend what it was. She didn’t even know. She said it sounded dumb. The people are forgetting. The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.
I will only show the kindest smile as melancholy my eyes may be
So I’m writing this to just put it out there that the last few months, I’ve be beating myself to death with the doubt and worry that I was not good enough to design a show like this. At my university, I am part of a club called MTG, or Musical Theater Guild. This club is a part of the reason that I chose to study and be apart of theater in the first place. I am a Props carpenter and designer, but last semester I was asked to design Rent for two of my very dear friends. See I’m the type of person that when a friend asks me a favor, I will work myself to the bone for them, not thinking of any reward from them. I gladly and humbly accepted and set to work straight away. Tossing and turning, night after night, my mind would not function. I could not see what I wanted this show to look like, and I feared the disappointment on my friends faces of my failure. One evening, after hours of playing the shows album for the 1000th time, drained from the long and hard day I had, my mind started racing. I grabbed the back of an old research paper and a sharpie marker, my hand began to effortlessly move and sketch on its own. I found out from my professor that this is called a coffee shop napkin moment. What came from this was the rough sketch of Rent. I saw platforms the rose up to meet a set of stairs that connected to a spiral staircase going back down. The spiral served also as the Christmas tree, all of this was backed by a graffiti wall that had the words “Pray for Pills” stenciled on. Problems arose at school that forced me to leave. I trusted my design to my friends to do as they pleased since I felt that I failed to be there with them in this daunting endeavor. Months passed and I heard nothing. I grew fearful that my screw up cost them the show and forced them to scrap my design. Finally the day comes to build, unfortunately I was unable to go. I was able to get pictures, though not the best of quality, I could still see that my baby was there. Time passes and its show time. I’m flustered and nervous, my heart has been racing from since a few days before that a special lady friend sounded that she really wanted to see me come show time. I walk into the theater, and I begin to weep. Doubt, shame, loathing, self-hate, depression, all flew out of me as this joy and peace covered my with the forms of the arms of all the friends I thought hated me. I saw my friends perform on my stage better then I have ever seen them do on others. I cried beginning to end from emotions and joy. From adorkable Hanukkah sweaters, to the final documentary. Every moment was perfect. That was Rent, no other comes close.
I feel out of it tonight. The pure essence of happiness that I had yesterday is all gone. Her beautiful face that I’ve waited to see for so long is all I have in my mind, but the warmth of her arms lingers no more on my skin. Last night was perfection including all that went wrong. I can’t remember her songs, the voice that I longed to hear. I’ve grown a patience that I didn’t think I could have. Past flames that burned out because of its absence. I know nothing has truly changed for her. She knows nothing of my affliction, of the scars inside that I hide. Will she accept them with open arms and forgiving love, or cast me aside like the beast I am. Can this Belle allow this beast to lower his guard? Will I continue to cry and howl at the moon hoping my echos would end? Let me don my masquerade mask again showing only a painted smile and bright melancholy eyes.